Music in the Schools

From the time I got my first guitar at the age of eight, I knew I wanted to be a musician.

Of all the things that come and go in life: the choices, the detours … I never once questioned the feeling I had inside that has consistently guided me through the years – that I was meant to play music.

Growing up, I was truly blessed to have had some great teachers. In addition to private guitar lessons, I had Mrs. Johnson at Happy Valley elementary school who taught me to play the violin. Miss (NOT Mrs.!) Mueller at Branciforte Junior High, who let me play any and everything I could get my hands on: violin, cello, bass, tympani, trumpet, clarinet… and in high school - Mr. Simmons, who gave me free reign over any instrument that wasn’t claimed by another student.

It was in this environment that I was allowed to be creative, and it was there that I had a reason to go to school at all. I did poorly in most other classes, as they did nothing to spark my interest, but in jazz band, marching band and orchestra I excelled. Straight A’s all the way through, baby!

I thought about all this last night as I sat in the audience at the Rio Theatre waiting for my turn to play for a benefit to help out the music programs in Santa Cruz.

It all started with a phone call a couple of weeks ago from one of the producers, Colin Alder, who asked me be part of Tammi Brown’s (Sista Monica, Stanley Jordan, Spyra Gyra, …) back up band. She was to be the last act to close the show that was to feature various acts performed by local kids, and since I was part of the Planet Cruz Comedy Hour’s house band, he thought it would be easy to put together something for this one night.

Of course I said yes, as I generally try to do with any and all things that involve music.

Tammi Brown is on her way to the “big time” – she was recently a Grammy nominee for her work on Stanley Jordan’s tune, “Steppin’ Out” and has just been asked to sing at the Apollo in New York. She and I are performing a couple of songs at the premier of the film, “Gospel Hill” at the Del Mar Theater in Santa Cruz next week. If she wants me to accompany her – I’m there!!!

Now with all this name dropping I just did (and there will be more), one might think that all those clumsy, beginner “musicians” would be a mere test of patience before the “real” deal at the end. Not the case at all.

From the first solo artist, singer/songwriter Tess Dunn, to the last group of breakdancers, I was completely in awe (and a little nervous)!

Tess owned the stage with such confidence and professionalism, as did the rock band made up of high school aged kids who played a killer version of Led Zepplin’s “Black Dog”. Jugglers, dancers, guitarists… all excellent and far and above the skill I had at that age.

As I watched I remembered fondly the teachers I told you about and couldn’t really believe that music and art programs for the schools are being cut.

Don’t we know how important it is to provide kids (and adults for that matter) with the opportunity to learn and work with each other in a creative environment?

And it doesn’t matter whether they go on to be working musicians or not. The skills you learn: the comraderie and communication skills, not to mention the feeling that you actually belong to something and therefore have something to contribute… How many kids are there wondering just what they are truly supposed to be doing in school when nothing else quite fits?

Music and art in the schools is important, no question.

So when the breakdancers were through with their gravity defying display of acrobatics (ah, to be young again – not that I ever could spin on my head, but you get the idea…), we took the stage.

With Matt Bohn (Hot Club Pacific) on bass, David Tucker (Sista Monica, Maria Mulduar) on drums, and Dale Ockerman (Doobie Brothers, White Album Ensemble) sitting in on keys, backup singers Celina, Alicia, and Theresa,  and myself on guitar - we backed up Tammi who started with a soulfull rendition of Bette Midler’s, “The Rose” followed by an all out dancing-in-the aisles version of Sister Sledge’s “We Are Family” that by the end, had all the performers packed onstage with us, celebrating and taking pictures of themselves and their friends.

I felt so proud of myself for having been true to my calling – to be sharing the stage with some of the best musicians in the area – and then it occurred to me that I was also sharing the stage with some kids who I am sure will be the future best musicians and entertainers, and that they too, were sharing the stage with me, and that we were all at the same place at the same time doing what we were meant to be doing.

What a gift.

Please do what you can to encourage others to follow their dreams, young or old - whether it be in the arts or on any other career path they imagine taking.

The same for you, too.

Go for it.

What are we waiting for?

On Turning 50

For a few days now I have been wondering what to write about this particular time in my life – you know, the big 5-0. I’ve been thinking about my accomplishments, my goals, and what I am particularly proud of - but didn't know quite how to start.

Then just the other day I came across a comment on Facebook written to a woman who I hadn’t seen since elementary school. The woman who wrote it (let’s call her “Hanna”) was a cheerleader in high school and doesn’t really know me at all except for what she saw at our reunion a couple of years ago. She was responding to a query made by this old elementary friend as to who I was, as she did not recognize the change in the spelling of my name.

Hanna wrote, “Hi Julie, I noticed your comment about Rhan Wilson. He was Ron Wilson, and just a heads up....he's a little weird. He did all the photography for our all class reunion and lets just say he'a a little out there.”

Normally I would take this as a compliment, as I did when my art teacher at Cabrillo College called me weird when she saw my silkscreen of a gorilla with country western hair called “Barbara Mandrill”. Or when my real friends tell me that I am weird in a joking manner.

No, this was different. This felt like a gossipy girl-to-girl warning about me.

Why would she think I am weird? Was it because I wore a toupee, top hat, fur cape, gold chains, and an open silken pirate shirt to the reunion? I thought that was funny – you see, I was going as “Mid-life crisis man”. You know how in all the sitcoms (and, I guess in real life) it seems that the middle aged men worry about their hair and their beer bellies? Well, I thought I would see how many cliches I could cram into one outfit and I did it!

And how did she even notice me anyway? Like another cliché, she was pretty busy making out with her old high school boyfriend and letting him sign her bra - she didn’t even bother to take it to a private corner or beneath the bleachers. No, she just popped her tight pink sweater up right there in middle of everyone.

Personally, I think that could have been described as weird. So what? I don't go around warning her friends that she is as easy as a Monday crossword. (oh no he di'nt!)

You know what else was weird about that reunion?

In the weeks leading up to it, our reunion website that I was helping with got a lot of emails from an alumni that clearly wasn’t all together. He was excessively excited about the upcoming reunion, a multi year concept that he had actually introduced to us all. His many not always so helpful emails and guestbook entries bothered the women (one of them also a cheerleader) to the point that they wanted all mention of him erased. I resisted doing that which infuriated them to no end.

He wasn’t doing any harm (it turns out he suffers from schizophrenia), and if it’s really supposed to be a reunion, where we get to see who we have all become in the spirit of harmony and acceptance… heck, who am I kidding? The reunion was about the popular girls running around together picking on the weirdos. They banned him from attending and made jokes about him forgetting to take his meds. This is how we unite old friends? By allowing only the "normal" ones to attend?

And if all this I am writing seems to be about me venting - well, it is a little I will admit, but it also makes clear how thankful I am to be who I am – weird and proud of it, because with the weird comes creativity, and with the creativity comes the manifestation of what I have been wanting my whole life: to make a living being creative and musical.

Clearly, I didn’t make it as a rock star as I had wanted to be when I was in high school, but I now realize I wouldn’t have wanted to play that game for long anyway. I want success on my terms.

Yes, I am happy to be recording with grammy nominees, collaborating with famous New York street performers, producing recordings with talented singer/songwriters, developing comedy shows, and realizing the success of my silly little project, “An Altared Christmas.”

I am also happy to be with my partner - someone who I easily imagine being with forever.

And though many of my old friends have come and gone, I have encountered the Ukulele Club of Santa Cruz which has given me unlimited amount of joy and many wonderful new, real friends. 

So I guess in a way I am glad that “Hanna” felt the need to warn my old friend about me. My old friend writes me all the time now (she didn't buy into the gossip), as do a few good folk I reunited with at the reunion. 

Thanks “Hanna” for reminding me who I am and even more importantly, who I don’t ever want to be. Just as I strive to open as many metaphorical doors and windows as possible, taking walks with the idea of saying hello to everyone I pass, and to be all that I can be (in the non-army way) - I constantly remind myself to have as much understanding and compassion for others as possible - even cheerleaders, because you never know what their personal story is.

Yes, this Santa Cruz boy is gonna keep on keepin’ on.

Now that I’m fifty, I feel as if I have just given myself unconditional permission to push my comfort zone as far as possible, and then some.

Weird? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

------------

Note: I apologize for my hypocrisy. While preaching tolerance and acceptance, I then go and refer to these particular people as "cheerleaders" as if that was a bad thing. I use that term for two reasons: one, because they were actually cheerleaders in school - you know, "We got spirit yes we do. We got spirit, how 'bout you!" And two, to conjure up all the television stereotypes of ex-cheerleaders because up until recently, I didn't think those cliches were real. 

But even that is okay. I can't care if people gossip. I've done it, I regrettably admit. I'm doing it right now. I've even looked at others and muttered, "Losers!" from time to time (mostly while driving), and I have even made fun of others. 

I am human and have made many mistakes. I only hope that I can start to make less of them, or at least make new ones, as opposed to repeating the same ones over and over.

(And by the way, I immediately wrote to Hanna, told her that I was sure she was kidding about me being weird, and would she be my Facebook friend.

She has not responded.)

An Altared Christmas 2008 - Looking Back

This last Friday, December 12, was the 4th Annual "An Altared Christmas" show at the Rio Theatre.

For those of you who are not familiar with the Rio, it is a classic 1940's era movie theatre turned into a performance venue. It seats 700. Compare that with last year's show which was held at the Cayuga Vault, which holds 120. Now realize that I am a new producer - this is only the second time I have ever actually booked a club and put on a real show.

That being said - I now realize at this writing that there is so much to say about this show that I am sure I will barely tap into all that I am wanting to say.

Overall, it went absolutely great! It was a little more than half full, but seemed more than that. The best numbers were great and the worst were still pretty damn good, in my opinion. Some numbers were barely rehearsed: for instance, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" - started out with the band playing and was then interrupted by a video clip "newsbreak" announcing the growing protest outside, which then burst into the theatre. (Click HERE to see the video.) As the mob came down the aisle, it grew to triple its size, and its leader took the stage to make his demands. Singing a parody of "Roxanne" by The Police, he (Mark Edwards) led the protesters through the song and to its gleeful ending.

This was never rehearsed. I gave general instructions to the mob as to how they would join the protesters and where to stand, but I had no idea how perfectly it would unfold before me, as I played on the stage.

Another number earlier in the show, "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" was created in the lobby just hours before the show by clarinetist Mark Sowlakis and accordionist The Great Morgani.

It was superb and a joy to watch for the first time.

And though we rehearsed "Angels We Have Heard on High" quite a bit, Grammy nominated singer Tammi Brown took us all to church, up and down the steeple, rang the bell a few times and brought us back home safe and blown away!

Patti Maxine shined on lap steel as always, but it was when she shuffled to the stage, dressed in a white mental hospital issued gown and sang of the time she "Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" that we got see and hear a different side of her.

And the torturous rendition of "Away in A  Manger" sung by Celina Gutierrez dressed as a little girl at a pageant was in stark contrast to the beautiful voice many of us know she possesses.

These are but a few of the outstanding moments that my incredible band created.

But it was the errors and mistakes that I also want to credit. You see, I purposely under-rehearsed many portions of the show. I wanted us all to rely on our professionalism and skill to be "in the moment" and to react accordingly. To make a few mistaken notes here and there was worth it to me to be able to create magic that no one could have predicted. And there were some moments like that. 

Comedian Richard Stockton took over the stage, and almost the entire show, with his rendition of "Twas the Night Before Christmas" that morphed into a David Byrne-like comedic rant about a "thermal butter dish". No one could have rehearsed the energy that was released during that piece, and I was as entertained and surprised as anyone could have been. We didn't rehearse that much at all.

Asking the lead protester and Santi Klawz (as David Wallis liked to call himself) to improvise a resolution to the demands of P.E.R.V. (Preservation of Endangered Reindeer Values) may have been a little last minute, but I knew the talent I was working with - they had no problem at all making up some very funny and inspired dialogue. 

And perhaps it is the taking of chances that I am most satisfied with. Sure, I run the risk of bombing, and I am sure I will hear about those moments once the compliments die down, but the rewards are staggering. If we live life (or a show) in fear that we may make a mistake, then we will surely limit our choices considerably. I don't want to do this.

I want to live: to experiment, try new things, and to dare to make a fool of myself. What could happen? A bad review? Sneers? How about someone reading this blog and saying to themselves, "Gee, if he can do it, maybe I can, too." 

That would make me happy.

To find out more about this show and its cast, go to: www.altaredchristmas.com

and please, sign up to be on my mailing list if you are not already on it by going to: 

Rhan's Mailing list!

Thank you.

Be Incredible!

They're only words.... NOT!

Words: our words and the way we use them has been on my mind a lot recently and I want to share with you my thoughts about them and their power.

I recently had the pleasure of teaching a music workshop, and one of the first things I discussed was the importance of stating our musical growth in the positive, rather than in the negative.

"I have terrible rhythm" doesn't leave much room for improvement, does it?
Once could just as easily say, "I haven't had much rhythm, but I'm working on changing that," and still be honest in saying so. That at least, leaves the door open for improvement.

Even more recently, while attending a workshop with the incredible Joe Craven, he reiterated this concept, albeit in a slightly different way: he called it the "Aunt Sally" speech.

In his example, he took on the voice of an elderly woman recalling how she had no talent - never did. It all went to her sister, Sally, who could play anything.

"Your Aunt Sally got all the talent,"she would say regretfully.

Joe doesn't go for this approach, and he proceeded to pick someone out of the audience who had never played anything, gave them his fiddle, and taught them how to play rhythm.

Any of us can tap into rhythm and creativity in we would just stop getting in our own way!

Then, on a Dr. Phil show,the host was counseling a family who were complaining about an in-law and in the process, they were calling the in-law all sorts of awful names: evil, catastrophic, etc. He started by pointing out how words can create a situation that is much larger than it really is.

Is it really catastrophic that this woman caused some trouble, or is it catastrophic when a typhoon or earthquake kills thousands of people?

I am talking about the words we use, and how, if we are not conscious of their use, they can adversely effect our lives.

"I have no talent, " does us an injustice.

Calling it an "awful day" when it is indeed only raining puts an unnecessary negative spin on something we have no control over.

"I feel like I'm walking on eggshells - having to watch every word I say," is something I have heard regarding the idea of monitoring our wording.

To that I say this: If you want your words to have the impact they are intended to have, then yes - you must be aware of what you say and while it might seem at first to be a laborious act, I have found that it gets easier as we learn new ways to phrase things and they are incorporated into our vocabulary.

In the book, "Man, The Manipulator" it was said that all of our words have an impact on others one way or another, whether we intend them to or not. To be aware of that impact gives us more control over our lives and the responses we receive.

"Live your life on purpose!"

I heard that just the other day while watching a lecture on television, the speaker discussing how we attract energy into our lives.

On a related subject - I was working at the home of a client that owned two springer spaniel dogs who where quite misbehaved.

Jumping up on the table to beg for food, they were verbally reprimanded while simultaneously given the food they were seeking. At yet another time, while riding in the car with them, one dog kept climbing into the front seat (over and on top of me). My client yelled at the dog to go into the back while he was petting him.

While these examples may seem more likely geared toward animal behavior, they point out how consistency in word and action are important to get what we want in life.

Taking a class to learn while declaring oneself incapable of learning is a lose-lose situation.

Better to search within ourselves and find the truth: "I used to be...," "I am improving," or possibly, "I don't want to learn this."

That puts the power back in our corner and allows us to change our minds should we decide to.

Which brings me to the subject of control: control over our lives as opposed to turning over control to others, real or imagined.

Have you ever heard someone present a problem and then proceed to negate all possible solutions?

"I need a ride to the store but can't get one."
"Well, how about a taxi?"
"Oh, that is too expensive."
"Can you call a friend?"
"Oh, who is going to want to go out of their way to do that?"
"How about checking in the with senior center for volunteers?"
"They're too busy, and besides, some of them make me nervous."
"How about..."

Would it not have been easier in the first place to have simply said, "I need a ride to the store. Would you give me one?" or " I need a ride, but it isn't that important right now to arrange one."

That is being honest and saves a lot of time and frustration for both parties. It also gets the intended response. (Unless of course, there is a game of "Poor Me" going on, which is a whole other subject.)

"Live your life on purpose!"

Remember that as you go about your day. Speak the truth, but better yet, spend some time thinking about what the truth really is. What are you trying to say?

Are you really untalented, or were you told that once and believed it?

You are what you say you are, so tap into that "I can be anything" energy and let that be the truth.

In Memory of Geno

My friend and fellow ukulele player Geno Galli passed away yesterday morning.

I got the call from Andy, his very good friend and someone who knew I really cared about Geno and would want to know as soon as possible.

The phone call came on my cell phone and that only really matters because I am out in the country in Pennsylvania right now and cell service is spotty. I sensed I knew why Andy was calling me, but wanted to talk on a land line, as sometimes the cell phone cuts off, and I didn't want that to happen as he told me what I though he might be telling me. It worked however, and I learned that Geno had passed away quietly and peacefully in his sleep that morning.

I listened and thanked Andy for calling me and for taking care of Geno these last months, and told him how sorry I was.

It wasn't until I told Rick who was sitting the kitchen, that my voice broke and a tear came to my eye.

Such a long struggle. Such a great guy.

We weren't as close as some - Andy for instance, who had known him for years and years and had together experienced the ups and downs of life and who together had planned on someday being able to hang out with their wives in Hawaii somewhere, surfing and growing old together.

But I knew and loved him nevertheless. Seeing him at the Uke Club meetings, Saturday morning play alongs, and Sundays when I could make it. 

I asked him if he would play the part of an Italian waiter for a skit in my Christmas show because, well, he was as Italian and would fit the role perfectly. He happily accepted the part and seemed to have such a great time doing so.

It was just a few months ago that I learned, we all learned, that he was very sick with liver cancer. Several trips to the hospital, transfusions, and all the ups and downs of chemotherapy were all part of his routine to follow.

I didn't get to visit him, or should I say, I didn't make the concerted effort to make it happen.

I guess that at first I thought I had plenty of time to visit and that I would later. Then, little by little I put it off, feeling a bit uncomfortable about not getting around to it, and wondering if I were being selfish for not doing so.

I asked Andy often about his health and asked that he be told that I really cared about him.

Then, as I was getting ready to come to Pennsylvania I tried to see him, but he was just not up for it.

I sent him a card, hoping that he would be reminded of me and that I was thinking of him.

All the while I had been reminded of my late partner, Neil, who underwent months and months of suffering with lymphoma. The tests, the chemo, up and down, in and out of the hospital, wasting away with the most positive attitude he could summon, which was by far better than I could manage under the circumstances.

Perhaps that is why I didn't quite bring myself to visit Geno in time. Though it has been almost six years since Neil passed away, the memory is still right there under the surface. That's what I was referring to when I wondered if I was being selfish. I cold have mustered the strength, made time, and not let fear get in the way, as Geno would advise. But I didn't and I must trust that I made the right choice at the right time.

But it is his wife Emily and friend Andy who I think of the most now. Geno is in a better place now - without suffering or worry. But it is those of us living who now must go on without his physical presence, who must wake up every morning and remind themselves that life is forever changed and yet still must go on.

I think of what a wonderful and unique community of friends we, the Ukulele Club of Santa Cruz, have in each other. We are all so blessed.

Geno, I will miss you - your smiling face, leading the group in Capitola, singing "That's Amore" with all the gusto imaginable, and being in my show. Know that you have touched so many people in so many ways and that your spirit will forever be present in all of us.

Idiots and Fools

Am I angry? Am I resentful? Disillusioned?

No. No. And... yes!

In a crazy burst of creative energy, I recently donned an outfit for a new character I've apparently created and made a video claiming to be the "real" author of a song that is in fact, that of my good friend and client (I'm her manager and producer) Celina Gutierrez.

My "claim" is so absurd - I am in drag, drinking from an oversized brandy snifter I got at WallMart, with other clips of me so obviously bullshitting; yet a few people actually have posted insulting remarks on the video page, thinking I am really claiming to own that song I am referring to.

(Okay, Celina did send out an email saying that this someone, me, was making an erroneous claim to her song, but once there - can't you see it's a joke? C'mon people!)

What really makes me wonder about people, is that there are many posts that acknowledge the joke... right there under the video.

Of course, taking chances with art and creativity will always unearth the least creative, as demonstrated by an email I received from another artist (that I won't bother to go into).

Taking chances is just that - I am taking a chance that people will recognize the inspiration from Jamie Fox, Jim Carey, Milton Berle, and countless others who have created exaggerated characters like this one.

On the other hand, I am happy to have my work strike a nerve in people - it means it is being seen, but I just wish people would take a second to think about something before writing comments like that. It just makes them look stupid.

sigh... here's the video:

Playing God at the Mariott

Gee, what a mysterious title I gave this post! It might seem as if I held someone's life in my hand while staying overnight at a fancy hotel.

Actually, it's not really about God or holding life, but rather about a landscaping job I just finished at the Mariott hotel.... (this is where the movie fades into a flashback).

A few months ago I was hired to create a small waterfall at a friend's house in Scotts Valley. This friend, "Willie" (I am actually using his real name, but I like the quotes anyway) had recently done some excavating work and there was this hillside that just begged for a waterfall.

I could totally see it in my mind and, after convincing him that this vision I was having for his backyard would be worth it, he gave me the go-ahead.

So I started digging a little here and there, purchased a truckload of rocks, a pond liner, and some plants, and began to create a man made "natural" waterfall.

He mentioned to me in the process that he would have to show it to his neighbor who is also a landscaper.

I thought to myself, "Sure... show it to him and everyone else you can. I love showing off my work. Heck, maybe I will get another job out of it. "

Several days later the pond and waterfall took shape as I hand selected each and every rock, inspected it, turned it over and over and decided whether it would go here or there, or nowhere.

"I am creating and I mustn't be rushed!" I tell myself and anyone else who might have overheard me talking to myself.

Well, a couple of weeks later it was done and I turned it on and "voila!", the water flowed just like I imagined it would. I began planting little grasses and ivies, and ferns from elsewhere in the redwoods, trying to make it look as if it had always been there.

Willie was thrilled, as was I.

Then I got a phone call from Willie saying the the landscaper neighbor saw my work and wanted to hire me to work with him on a project at the Mariott.

THE MARIOTT!!!!!!!???????

Yes, the Santa Clara Mariott. Yes, me.

I went over to meet the neighbor, Toby, and asked him what this was all about.

"I liked the way you placed your grasses, " he said. "I need someone to help install the entryway of the hotel - the most visible and important part of this big landscape we are installing, and I can tell you have the artistic eye to do it."

"You can tell that by this little pond?" I wondered. Okay, we will see...

(There is a whole other story that goes in here about me wondering if I should take this job, as it would change the direction of my life... but that's, as I said, another story.)

So a couple of weeks later I get this phone call saying that I needed to be in Santa Clara at the hotel ready to work at.... 7:30..... AM! 

Sorry for those of you who regularly get up and are at work at this time, but for this "artist", I usually get UP around that time and spend the next couple of hours writing emails, puttering around and waking up at my own speed.

This would mean that I would be getting up, dressed, and at work before the sun rose. Yuck!

So I set my alarm, dragged myself out of bed, and got there by 7:30 AM.

As soon as I got out of the car I was greeted with things like:

"Okay, where do you want the boulders? The crane and crew is waiting!"

"Which ones do you want? The forklift driver needs to know..."

"What's it going to look like from the back?"

"It needs to be done by Monday!" (less than a week away)

Remember when I mentioned that this little pond I did took me a couple of weeks?

Well, here was this HUGE project involving cranes, forklifts, and boulders, and it needed to be done in days, not weeks.

I asked for a little time to "get acquainted with the space" and to "see" what it was going to look like and then I would jump in. They moved on to other pressing matters.

I moseyed around the boulders feeling totally lost, until I found "Half Dome".

I ran back to the entryway and saw it's future location, then ran back to the boulders to see if it would work. I could see it! I would create Yosemite right there at the Mariott!!!

I would put Half Dome right there, and then Nevada and Vernal falls would wrap around the back. The Merced river would flow down from the waterfall... up here would be Tuolomne Meadows... it all came into view and I, master of the universe, would create it! (This is where a beam of sun shone down on me through the clouds and a band of angels began singing.)

A couple of workers were sent to help me, and in my best broken Spanish, I directed them to "put 2 rocks there" and to "dig a hole deeper". Little by little the landscape began to take shape and the flight attendants, pilots and valets all started to stop and marvel as this natural wonder took shape right before their very eyes.

It all got done in time, thanks to the work of several hard working laborers, and I managed NOT to get hurt or too sore in the process.

I am glad I forced myself to get up early, and to take the job in the first place. The place looks great and I have had many compliments. My buddy Stan came by to see it and I can't wait to show it off to my other friends over a cocktail or two.

It doesn't look like Yosemite to anyone else, but I see it. I made it.